That’s It! I Quit! …. Leaving The “Wonderful” World of Online Dating.

I’m one of those people who are very particular about proper spelling and grammar. I can’t help it. I’m OC about a lot of things, and proper English is no exception. Send me intelligent messages typed in full and even though I can’t actually see into my skull, I bet it would be full of brain cum. If we’re speaking in person and you happen to be super intelligent, enunciate clearly and have a way with words, if you asked me to bend over so you could have your wicked way with me, I would.

I thought you’d never ask.

Of course I wouldn’t. But you understand my point.

In my repeated attempts at trying to be “sociable” on social networks, forums and whatnot, I have found myself constantly fighting the urge to just wipe myself off the internet totally and go sit on some random mountain, meditating with monks or something.

Why?

Yeah I’ve met some super-awesome people, thanks to the “world wide interwebs.” But for the most part, the only way I can relate to most people online is to dumb down what I’m saying. Where’s the fun in that? Yeah, I am almost over the fact that annoying abbreviations like “aos” (Nigerian shorthand for “house”) are here to stay. I also am trying to be accepting of “kk” – never mind that it’s the same number of letters as “ok.” But having to talk about mundane things bores the fuck out of me. Scanning my mind for easier ways to say whatever so the other person gets it is just plain exhausting. Reading their replies makes me go on a mental trip about what an actual conversation with them would be like.

But what I really want to talk about is the world of online dating – as it relates to lesbians in Nigeria. Not necessarily all of them are this way. I mean, I’m online too, aren’t I? But perhaps the equally intelligent ones realized this earlier on and abandoned the internet in favour of real interactions earlier than I did. Which probably puts me in another class of stupid, but that’s a whole other story.

Example:

I joined a forum, and on that forum I clearly stated what I was looking for: Lesbian and bisexual females, just for friendship. By the time a woman actually did reply, three months had passed. In the meantime, others had put up posts talking about how they want to “suk a swit and succlent and clean pucci.” Those got a lot of replies. Apparently I missed the memo about everyone just wanting to fuck.

And yeah, not pussy. P-U-C-C-I. I’m yet to locate this particular part of my body.

Anyway, she replied, “let’s chat,” then sent me a personal message saying “ope ur boobs ar ready 4 mi to suck and whooops I also like to eat ur pucci.”

I read that and did a double take, which just made the instant migraine I got from reading that sentence even worse. Oy vey! I didn’t respond that day. In fact, I wasn’t going to respond, ever. But the next day I thought, maybe I’m being too judgmental. Maybe this is actually an awesome person, uber-horniness aside. So I politely explained that I’m not looking for casual sex, but if she wanted we could be great pals. Even threw in a smiley. Her reply? “Why r u formin activity? Y ur profile says u r 1 thing but here another thing? Who is sex hungry? Pls change d title of ur tread stop misleading people.”

Bitch you cray-cray.

Yeah, the look on your face is the exact one I had on mine after reading that. At that point, I just decided fuck it. I’m done with meeting people online. Sometimes they’re too paranoid and spend what could have been a lovely conversation arguing about why they’re certain I’m a guy – despite all the proof to the contrary that I offer. Sometimes they’re just plain rude. Or just plain boring. Or sometimes, they are guys looking for nudes. This one time, a guy even sent me his account details and asked me to pay a $100 for “real sex.” I’m like… Daffuuuuuuuq?

Needless to say, I have finally allowed myself to accept that looking for my kind on the internet is a waste of time. So I’m just going to focus on the few friends I do have, and maybe meet their friends, and their friends, and… ad nauseum. Come to think of it, isn’t that how to meet people? Fine, a lot of lesbians and bisexuals in my neck of the woods are closeted – understandably – but that’s never been an issue for me because my sense of fashion is androgynous (read: “tomboy.”) which naturally captures their attention. Also, people I meet seem in real life are a bajillion times smarter. Sometimes smarter than I am.

This begs the question, what the fuck was I ever looking for online in the first place? Um… Nirvana? Or perhaps I hoped I would find  someone I could relate with and when we finally did decide to meet, it would turn out all the while I had been chatting with K-Stew.

What can I say? People do dumb shit sometimes. I guess I’m no exception. Go figure.